I was walking through Shoppers a few days ago when I noticed the new Sports Illustrated swimsuit cover featuring Kate Upton.
Oh I can think of a few questions I have for her.
Now, I’d be the first kind of hypocrite if I got into a rant about objectifying women, hell I saw the Soul Caliber 2 artwork of Taki back in the day and the first words out of my mouth… were very complimentary.
I got a compliment right here for ya baby!
So I’m staring at this cover of Sports Illustrated for a bit and I call my lady over and I ask her if she sees what I see. After a few seconds of a death glare I refer to the swimsuit. She looks closer and sure enough, we come to the same conclusion.
That the swimsuit doesn’t fit.
Now, let me clarify, I am not saying that the swimsuit is too small in any way that denotes how revealing it is. I’m saying it does not accommodate the good Kate’s dimensions. In fact, it takes away from her figure more then it enhances.
Okay, what follows is going to be a very concise analysis about the anatomy and proportions of a woman, I’m going to giggle, you’re going to giggle, that’s not the point. The point is that while we giggle, we have a serious discussion.
Maybe it comes from being in a relationship and having incredibly enlightening discussions about it but I’ve come to learn just how important a woman’s bra is. That is in addition to it making a wonderful hat.
Damn it, I said I’d be mature.
The bra was invented back in 1910 by Mary Phelps Jacob. This was as an alternative to the whalebone corset that women were wearing previously. The corset was universally recognized by women as the greatest collaboration between men and Satan for how hot and painful it was. When Mary designed her brassiere she did so in such a way that it’s design was built to support a woman’s figure without pain, strain and some third word that rhymes and is a synonym.
As I’ve come to understand a good bra for a woman effectively makes or breaks her entire day. And the stupid part is that when a bra fits a woman, it just straight up looks better and she feels better about herself as a person. So tell me why Sports Illustrated decided to give their model, on the cover no less, the Callista Flockheart special?
It clearly doesn’t fit, it doesn’t even look good, her breasts are squished to the point where they look saggy. If they wanted a smaller bit of fabric fine, but the strings supporting the whole ensemble make it look like she’s pressed up against a wall. Now my question is this, WHY?
Why would you stick a perfectly lovely woman into a swimsuit she wouldn’t fit in? The first answer is that they couldn’t find one in her size to which I say bullshit as a model’s sizes are something you should generally be on top of if you are doing wardrobe. The other is that this choice was actually made to somehow make her look thinner in the cheapest way possible.
And if that’s the case, I really didn’t expect Sports Illustrated to be the one to do that.
Now I know what you’re saying, “Are you sure they didn’t just put her in a smaller bikini just to show off the goods?” The problem is, if that were the case (and a good case of sexy it is) You’d have a swimsuit that used less fabric sure, but fit her better. The bottom of the bikini looks like it could barely last ten seconds in a beach movie comedy (two for anime). It is so small on her it actually looks like her vagina is trying to eat the bottom of the bikini!
So why did this happen? We all know that the fashion industry has the poorest standards of female beauty on the planet. Hell even when they try to portray real women they end up failing in some way. Heck, even I (yeah I) could tell you stories from the inside of the fashion world of how much freaking time goes into just makeup, never mind which models thought, they “had hips”.
That last part isn’t an exaggeration either. I actually had such an interview and I came dangerously close to saying “Are you kidding me?” on recording.
And you have to ask, cause I sure am, why is that even a problem? Why does the fashion industry set this standard? Hell most guys over twenty-six, on average, don’t give one whit if their woman gains a little weight. We kind of like breasts, we aren’t going to be upset if they get bigger!
I think this is one of those indoctrinated things in the medium that’s become so entrenched that it would take a massive generation shift to change. Sort of like the big penis thing in porn. Except us guys pirate porn sending a clear message to the industry. Yeah, that’s totally why we pirate porn.
So I say this to you, women of the world! Take this generation by it’s anorexic neck and give it what for! Don’t buy any fashion magazines or crap of the like! Tell the fashion industry that they won’t get your money! Read the articles in the aisle, take pictures of the articles you want to keep, and toss them back whence they came! Send those bitches in Vogue a message!
I liberate you, you glorious ovary bearers! BE FREE!
And so too does this work exist.